Exodus : Gods and Kings / Rated PG-13 for Biblical violence
Within the first few minutes of the 2 hr 20 min running time there is a big battle in Memphis. Not about who has the best BBQ but about who has the biggest and toughest army at that point. The battle includes the Egyptians, busy with construction projects being built by Hebrew slaves, and another big army that doesn’t like them. In the battle are the Pharaoh-to-be and Moses, who lives with the privileged class. As the battle rages, the upcoming Pharaoh gets in a big crash with his chariot in which the vehicle is totaled. He is wearing a battle outfit that is bright and golden. You wonder how he can stand up. The outfit might as well have neon lights that say “I am the future Pharaoh”. Everyone tries to kill him. Moses always saves the day.
Moses is played as an everyday man by Batman portrayer Christian Bale. After the Egyptians win the battle they have a big parade. Then they hang around the palace while the current Pharaoh has his Seer cut open birds and read the entrails. When she fails to predict the future correctly and answer the question “Who is John Galt?” she is hung.
Eventually Moses is banished and goes to find a new place to live. While traveling in the desert he doesn’t have much to eat and has to consume rocks which are hard to digest. He is attacked by Sandmen from Star Wars IV but quickly dispatches them. He meets up with other Hebrews who want to journey to The Promised Land but knows the Egyptians need them for construction projects and will beat or kill them if they try to leave. They convince Moses to sneak back to Luxor and talk the Pharaoh into letting them go. He tries his best but it doesn’t work as his sales skills are lacking.
He returns to his people and while chasing errant sheep up a hill he is buried in a landslide, gets hit on the head with a rock and ends up buried up to his neck in mud. He then sees The Burning Bush and meets God. God is played by an 11 year old boy.
Luxor is now paying for it’s sins. It is overrun by frogs, crocodiles, storms, blood in the river, locusts and flies. On top of that the Cubs win the World Series and the Pharaoh is forced to hang another Seer for predicting the Yankees again.
Moses gathers up his people and they head out. The Pharaoh and the army pursue them. On the high speed chase through the mountains the Pharaoh loses most of his army to bad road maintenance. Moses and the Hebrews come to a big ocean. The big ocean opens it up and they slosh though the mud and puddles to make it to freedom. Then the remainder of the Pharaohs’ army arrives but its too late. The ocean closes and drowns them all.
Years go by and God reappears and gives Moses the 10 commandments.
The one that director Ridley Scott misses was the commandment not to make a long, dark and boring film and hope for a big hit. Not going to happen.
Rated 2.0 out of 4.0 reasons I sat though part of the end titles to see if there would be a teaser for a sequel. At one point there were four columns of names going by slowly. I realized they were listing every person who ever worked in Hollywood. I was hoping they would perhaps have the sequel with Mel Brooks as Moses revealing what was in the five commandments he dropped and broke. See History of the World Part One for this historic scene.