Galt's Gulch

18 Things Actually Said To Witnesses In Court. Is #9 Serious? / iFunny :)

Posted by straightlinelogic 10 years, 3 months ago to Culture
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These may be apocryphal, but they are hilarious. Anyone who has good attorney jokes, please post them.
SOURCE URL: http://ifunny.mobi/i/c75QJ83J2

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  • Posted by khalling 10 years, 3 months ago
    You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    Yes.
    And these stairs, did they go up also?

    A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

    Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"

    The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

    The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

    Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
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    • Posted by WaltMaken 10 years, 3 months ago
      Regarding the "You say that the stairs went down to the basement? Yes. And these stairs, did they go up also?" If one were standing on, say, the first floor, and there are two or more floors, then there could be stairs going down to the basement as well as stairs going up to the second floor. In that scenario, the question would make sense.
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      • Posted by khalling 10 years, 3 months ago
        do those stairs go down as well?
        Hey walt, on your post there is no link or comment in the notes. What are you referring to by your title?
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        • Posted by WaltMaken 10 years, 3 months ago
          I'm not sure what you're referring to with "by your title". When I initially read your posting, I definitely had to chuckle. But for some reason, the thought struck me that the question about down-up, could actually be valid under certain circumstances.
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          • Posted by khalling 10 years, 3 months ago
            In order for that to be the case the question would be framed differently. A set of stairs cannot both go down to the basement and up to the second floor. If you can exit to the first floor it necessarily implies another set of stairs. You could say you can go down to the basement or up to the second floor. But lawyers rarely frame questions like that attempting to simultaneously get a precise answer and manipulate the witness response. That 's why these are often so funny, the style of questioning leads to a long series of answers that less precisely could have given the same info with only one question.
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  • Posted by $ jlc 10 years, 3 months ago
    What a great way to wake up in the morning. Thank you for a belly laugh over coffee.

    I have been on the stand once: the lawyer for the other side was archetypally sleazy. After a few exchanges between the two of us, my friend's lawyer stopped trying to object to the sleazy lawyer's tactics and literally leaned back and stretched out his legs to enjoy the show. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the judge laughing.

    The case did not go well for the other side.

    Jan

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  • Posted by straightlinelogic 10 years, 3 months ago
    A lawyer, accountant, engineer, and priest escaped a sinking ship together on a life raft, not far from shore. The raft was surrounded by sharks. Foolishly, the accountant jumped in the water to swim to shore and was devoured. Before anyone could say anything, the lawyer jumped in, the sharks parted, and the lawyer swam through.
    "How did he do that?" the engineer asked.
    "Professional courtesy," the priest responded.
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  • Posted by $ Thoritsu 10 years, 3 months ago
    What is the difference between Lawyers and road kill?

    There are skid marks before the roadkill.

    After closer inspection, I see that I stole SkiDance's joke.

    Let me try again.

    What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? You Honor.
    What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator....perhaps Senator Blutowski.
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  • Posted by NealS 10 years, 3 months ago
    Personally I don't think they're apocryphal at all, but then again you did say "may". I guess it depends on your definition of "may". (he he)
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  • Posted by CircuitGuy 10 years, 3 months ago
    My wife says attorneys love attorney jokes.

    We have actually gone back and read the transcript of when we sued our kids' school, our only time being party to a law suit. It has its funny moments, at least for us. They settled before we had the opportunity to depose all of them. It would have been an episode of Portlandia.
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  • Posted by ObjectiveAnalyst 10 years, 3 months ago
    By Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
    By Witness: The young lady is pregnant -- but not as a result of my examination.
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  • Posted by $ MikeMarotta 10 years, 3 months ago
    These are not corroborated in any way. The writing style betrays the fact that one person wrote them, albeit from another similar source. It is easy to make fun of lawyers, or doctors, or anyone, really, but what purpose does it serve? Would you want to live in a nation without lawyers?

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    • Posted by straightlinelogic 10 years, 3 months ago
      Get a sense of humor. I said they might be apocryphal. As a non-practicing lawyer myself, I think I am qualified to state that the only group that is more pompous and holds itself in higher regard than lawyers are politicians, which, not surprisingly, is composed mostly of lawyers. Anything that knocks either group from their self-erected pedestals is to be encouraged. I would like to live in a nation with a lot fewer lawyers. They are responsible for creating much of the blob that is our government, and writing the mountains of laws and regulations that are tying our nation down with so many Lilliputian strings.
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      • Posted by Robbie53024 10 years, 3 months ago
        You can include teachers and college professors in that mix (of course, not totally inclusive, but then neither are lawyers and politicians - but the majority exemplify the stereotype).
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      • Posted by $ MikeMarotta 10 years, 3 months ago
        Do I know a group more arrogant than lawyers? Sure. I grew up with doctors. What is the difference between a surgeon and God? God does not think that he is a surgeon. On and on... If you ever had surgery, you would have signed a form agreeing that medicine is an art not a science and that outcomes cannot be predicted. In Goethe's _Faust_, the doctor says that when the plague struck, he mixed up any potion he could think of; and he killed half his patients; and the ones who survived called him their Savior. Do we have too many doctors? Is our nation being ruined by arrogant medicine men?

        Every profession has jokes: engineering, computer programming... I even know some carpenter jokes. Khalling's quip actually came from accountancy, where it makes more sense.

        The lawyer jokes were just crude Internet chaff; and lawyers are too easy a target for all the wrong reasons.
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        • Posted by khalling 10 years, 3 months ago
          actually mine originally had a mathematician where he asked the physicist the question
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          • Posted by $ MikeMarotta 10 years, 3 months ago
            That is how you heard it; I grant that. But the origin of the joke is accountancy. The only jokes I know with physicists and mathematicians also include an engineer and they cannot be told in front of children. (Brenner knows them all by heart.)

            Programmer joke: "Let's push the car back before it crashed, roll up the windows and try it again."
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            • Posted by plusaf 10 years, 3 months ago
              No, Mike, there's at least one of those that can...

              Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician check in to a hotel (different rooms.... don't go there...)

              Some hours later, Engineer smells smoke, sees some tongues of flame lapping around his bed. Goes out to the hall, grabs the fire hose and soaks down the hall, his room, the bed and everything else in sight, then, satisfied, goes back to sleep.

              Physicist wakes up, smells smoke, sees flame. Goes into the hall, grabs a fire extinguisher and pssst.... psssst.... pssst..... puts out the flames and smothers the fire. Satisfied, he returns to bed and goes to sleep.

              Mathematician .... same thing... smoke, fire...
              Goes into the bathroom, turns on a faucet, splashes some water with his hands and exclaims, "There IS a Solution!"... and goes back to bed and sleeps.

              No lawyer in that one... though I'd bet if there were, he/she'd be collecting names and preparing a class action suit.

              :)
              and my stepson IS a lawyer, but one of the 'good guys,' or he'd be getting a lot more shit from me on a regular basis....
              :)
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    • Posted by $ Thoritsu 10 years, 3 months ago
      Agree with StaightLine.
      No lawyers? No.
      Less Lawyers? Yes, which consequently will come with more personal accountability and responsibility.
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      • Posted by helmsman5 10 years, 3 months ago
        Agree strongly. The mills are still pumping out law school grads. Some clearly encourage destructive victim-hood precisely absolving us from desperately needed personal accountability and responsibility. I am not holding my breath for any meaningful Tort reform.
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